Last week we participated in the Son-Rise Program Intensive, and boy what a week. I think I have enough material to blog daily for a month. Material about Jordyn, about us, and about the program. I’m going to endeavour to keep my insights “simple” and relevant to all, so I don’t overwhelm or bore you all with the inner workings of my mind.
One of the themes of my week was my “need” to CONTROL – the program, the volunteers, myself in the playroom (strategizing and thinking vs. being free). My experience of myself, and all of it, was it was never quite enough, and I was always striving for more… like a donkey with a carrot, or a hamster on a wheel.
This is also a theme in life where I’m never quite satisfied, so no accident that it showed up in the playroom. The funny thing is that I am completely satisfied and accepting of Jordyn, and have tons of love and acceptance for my volunteers… so why the carrot/pressure? Why did I “have to” be on guard all the time, looking for what is next, and not missing a cue?
Well, in exploring this in feedback with one of the teachers I could not see it when asked “why?” But looking at it from the other side – “what would happen if I didn’t” – it became really clear. If I didn’t “keep the pressure on” I would look back and regret not doing or being more. So, really I was putting myself through all this pressure so that someday I wouldn’t look back and hammer myself with “you really could have done more”. Interesting.
Knowing that I am doing the very best that I can in every moment with the beliefs that I have, that seemed like a really silly way to live. Discarding the carrot, I am free to be present in this moment. I am present to the joy, adventure, and love of the journey. AND seeing clearly what is in front of me, gives me a clearer picture of where to head next. Not having the carrot doesn’t mean I stop looking for what is next – it just comes from a happier, curious, joyous and grateful place – a want vs. a need.
The program IS really for ME – to be happier, grounded, grateful, and fulfilled.
And, when I’m happy, grounded, grateful, and fulfilled I am all the things that I was striving for… naturally AND that little guy is drawn to my comfort with myself. He is such a teacher… all I have to do is look at who I’m being with him, or even just look at what he is doing and I learn about myself.
Enjoy your journey. Love – Kelli