Is Your Child Shutting You Out?

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Is Your Child Shutting You Out?

FROM BECKY: Hi Guys,

I have just had the experience of working with two different amazing Son-Rise Program volunteers in two different Son-Rise Program’s where the child they were working with spent some of their session in the bathroom of the playroom, not wanting to come out.

In both these cases, the happiness/comfort level of the volunteer depended on whether the child came out of the bathroom or not. Because of this, they both spent most of the time that I observed trying to entice the children out of the bathroom in different ways. In both cases, the children either said “No” several times or pushed them away/hit them and closed the door.

The stimulus that was happening was that the child wanted control and space, it makes sense that if I am feeling uncomfortable in myself that I would want to change the stimulus and have the child come into the playroom to make myself feel better. This would be a temporary fix.

However, if I changed my focus to choosing to be comfortable and happy anyway, no matter whether this child was shutting me out or not there would be far more long term benefits. Here are some of them.

1) I feel better and will have more fun, the attitude of The Son-Rise Program is more important than the techniques.

2) I have a wonderful opportunity to give my child control. The more control I give, the more flexible they will be.

3) It is not my job to get them to come out, it is my job to love and accept them and know they are doing the best they can.

4) If I let go of the “Need” for my child to come out then there will be no pressure, and they will come out because they want to come out which is helping them to choose to be with me, over being “Pushed” to do so.

5) They will pick up on my attitude and may “Push buttons” when they know I get uncomfortable, not because they are naughty or mean but because it’s one way they know how to control things in this world.

Please feel free to ask any questions or list more benefits to doing this. I would love to hear more!

2 Responses

  1. Hi Becky…Thank you for your post. We are experiencing sort of the same type of thing. Tyler has stopped wanting to do any activities with us in the room. The first two hours she will put her head down and scream out from time to time. Sometimes she will come toward us to grab our hair. We have been concentrating on "No Fix" attitude. Tyler is 16 and 5'5." It is hard for us to get away when she goes to pull our hair. We want to give her that control, but unsure on how to protect ourself. Pillows dont work because she still gets to us. Do we go in the bathrooom until she lets us out?

    Tyler is also is a very controlling child. There are many times lately where it doesnt matter what we introduce, she doesnt want to do anything. Should we quit introducing and wait for her to initiate? Should we go in the playroom for the first two hours and move away to our own space? Tyler also has been wanting to sleep in the playroom alot lately. There could be a reason that her body wants that, but we're not sure if thats why or its her way of just not wanting to do anything.

    Thanks for your help 🙂 Jamie

  2. Hi Jamie,

    Here is a link to the "Intense Physical Energy" blogs that will help with the hair pulling.

    https://blog.autismtreatmentcenter.org/2010/06/intense-physical-energy.html

    https://blog.autismtreatmentcenter.org/2010/06/intense-physical-energy-part-2.html

    https://blog.autismtreatmentcenter.org/2010/06/aggressive-behaviors.html

    Something else you can try is to take her hands, sweetly but strongly, before she gets to your hair. Tell her as you do it "I'm going to hold your hands now because you're going for my hair and I want to take care of myself".

    If she is too quick and is already pulling your hair then grasp your own hair at the roots so it doesn't pull and move with her. If you pull away then it will hurt, instead calmly move around with her with your hands on your hair until she lets go.

    Try all of that first and then go in the bathroom if you are having a challenge. Using a large therapy ball will be more effective than the pillows because of her height.

    I will also sent you a facebook message!

    Love Becky x

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